What the ef happened to Kirk Cameron?

I wasn’t much of a Kirk Cameron fan growing up, but I do recall that he was the shit. Trading Kirk posters for Jon Bon Jovi ones was not hard to do. (That lion’s mane. That gorilla chest. How could a girl of twelve resist?)

At one point and time, Kirk Cameron was Mike Seaver. He was your quintessential middle-class, miscreant teen with a best friend named Boner. With Alan Thicke as his dad, Kirk could not get any cooler. During the mid to late 1980s, he was every pre-pubescent girl’s (and some boys) wet dream.

So here is how my question. What the ef happened to Kirk Cameron?

Some things to consider when pondering this question:

The movie Left Behind. In this film, Kirk plays the protagonist in a movie about the rapture. The RAPTURE. It is not done in an ironic, satirical or humourous way. It is an actual serious movie about the RAPTURE.



The Way of the Master Web site. There is no way I can begin to describe this Web site. You need to click on it to believe it. It basically tells you that you and all your loved ones are destined for an eternity in hell if you don’t accept Jesus as your saviour.

Turns out Mike Seaver is a crazy evangelical Christian.

Did anyone else see this coming? To quote Fred Willard…wha happen? Can anyone please tell me how the once lovable Mike Seaver turned into Jimmy Swaggart?

My first love…my endless love (for Lionel)

I think your first celebrity crush says a lot about you. If, for example, your first crush was Jordan Knight when you were twelve, you are most likely on the better side of conventional. You may get your couture from a sensible retail chain like J. Crew, you like your lattés from Starbucks and you love you some missionary position.

Although, as children, we aspired to Jordan Knight first crushes, some of us were not so lucky. In 1983, I was seven years old and my family had been in Canada a total of three years. We were all just starting to get the hang of the English language and my father was really starting to embrace the popular music of the day.

Now I know seven is a bit early for crushes, but I had a boyfriend in kindergarten (the hottest blond in my class, thank you very much) and I was showing my panties to all the boys by the time I was six. You could say I started my “skank” phase early.

I digress. The day my father brought home a little album called Can’t Slow Down was the day I knew I was into dudes. There was Lionel. White pants and baby blue shirt and perched alluringly on a backward chair. His jheri curl was perfection and his moustache gleamed. He made me tingle all over.



Needless to say, I made my dad by every Lionel record and we played them until the broke. These days, when I see Lionel on TV or see him in a photo, I still feel all tingly inside. If it came down to Brad Pitt and Lionel, there would be no contest.



Lionel forever.

Play on Playette

I love love love me some Eva Longoria. And I have yet to watch one full episode of Desperate Housewives.

Eva is one of those rare beasts in the celebrity world. She is a lady who likes the gents. Not just one in particular, but a whole lot of them. What makes Eva rare is the fact the she has yet to be called a slut by the entertainment media.

She’s juggled Tony Parker and JC Chasez all the while continuing to mack new boys. She isn’t looking for Mr. Right, she’s looking for Mr. Right Now. Judging by some of her escorts of late, she isn’t looking for much up top. Just rock-hard abs and a smile will do for Ms. Longoria. If she were Madonna, there would already be a million “Eva has STDs” jokes by now. Instead, homegirl is a bonafide playa.

I wish Eva were around when I was single. For so long, I just wanted to mack the hot guys and not have to have it be “meaningful.” It’s so refreshing to see a woman just have some fun with some cute boys. Eva just got divorced and she is not looking for love. More women should take a page from the Longoria book. Sometimes a girl just needs a hot piece of ass.

Godspeed Eva.

Can you mandal it?

Ah warm weather…

So many great things that come along with the warm weather. Picnics, BBQs, patios, cute girls in mini-skirts, cute boys in tank tops, just to name a few.

However, all is not idyllic in the world of warm weather. Yes, there are scary things that come with warm weather. One such frightening item is the MANDAL or man sandal. As with most things, there is the good,



the bad,



and the ugly.



So men, if you must get your mandal on, please do us all a favour and ask for some help from your more stylish friends and lovers. And for the love of all things sacred, get a GD pedicure. I don’t care if it’s a home spa solution or if it’s done at your local Vietnamese pedicure purveyor. Mandals or not, no one you love needs to see your feet looking all crusty.

My "Top 5"

I know that I’ve been posting a lot about women I love, but it’s just the mood I’ve been in lately. I think my boyfriend is starting to get worried. Yesterday, he asked me about my “Top 5” list and famous men I would bang. Surprisingly, I could only come up with two names immediately.

The other 3 took a lot of time. And when I finally got my list down, I promptly forgot one of the members. So to preserve this list before I forget it yet again, here is my list of top 5 who make me want to touch myself appropriately.

Viggo Mortensen: A poet, artist and a thespian. This man is a lover not a fighter.

Clive Owen: I’ve loved him since I saw him in ‘Close my Eyes’, a movie about him banging his sister. Even as a dirtbag in ‘Closer’ he is HOT.

Colin Firth: Not your normal pin-up, but there is this quiet sexiness about him. He looks like the type of guy that would roger you over the bathroom sink, while at his aunt’s garden tea party. HOT!

Adam Yauch: He can rhyme all the time and he wants to save Tibet. Activism is always HOT.

Johnny Depp: For obvious reasons, this one is a given. I think he’s a staple on everyone’s top 5 list (male or female).



After compiling my list, I realized that I sure do have a thing for the 40something white male. This is funny as the guy I am currently banging is a 20something, non-white male. Weird.

Shakira makes me want to have sex with women

Wow. Wowawewa.

If you’ve not already done so, please take some time and treat yourself to a viewing of the Shakira video for her new song, La Tortura. You might want to do so when you have access to some boo-tay as this video will full on make you want to bang someone.

Just to summarize some highlights, Shakira is covered in black oil and she does this move where she only moves her breasts. There is a lot of writhing and a scene where her lover “surprises” her from behind. Here is a shot of her covered in black oil.



It is a damn shame that this video will most likely not receive mainstream air time on MuchMusic or MTV because

1. It’s far too hot
2. It’s not in English
3. It will make most women want to become lesbians

Kimora who? Shakira is all that plus tax.

Ode to Kimora

Sometimes I get obsessed with female celebrities for no reason in particular. I mainly like the mean ones. If she’s hot, flamboyant, has a fat ass and a reputation for being a superbitch, I’ve probably had some sort of girl crush on her.

The most recent apple of my Sapphic eye is Kimora Lee Simmons. For those of you who don’t know, Kimora is the wife of hip hop icon Russell Simmons and she is a piece of work. I got my first glimpse of Kimora when she was being interviewed for her Baby Phat clothing line, a wardrobe staple of urban hoochies the world over. After reading her profile in the New Yorker, Kimora and I were official.

Alas, my beloved Kimora is no Susan Sontag. She is a label-whore, not very smart and is the incarnation of every nouveau riche stereotype you can imagine. She is ghetto fabulous looking to move up in the world. However, her drug bust almost guarantees that she will not be rubbing elbows with any Rockefellers anytime soon. Add to that the absolute egomania that is starring in all the ads for your own clothing line. (JLo doesn’t even do that, so you know homegirl’s head is about ready to burst, it’s so big.) Even her fame stems from her successfully bewitching Russell Simmons. (Baby Phat is the girl version of Phat Farm and have you seen the Def Jam video game?)

Nevertheless, I love Kimora the way I’ve loved Mariah, Beyoncé and JLo in years past. And until the next big-bottomed superbitch comes along, I will always have my Kimora.